Does our partner really need to know everything about us?


Does our partner really need to know everything about us?

Many say the best thing about a relationship is having someone you don’t have to hide anything from and who you confide in everything. But, is this really the truth? What if I don’t want to tell my partner every detail of my past after all? Does the relationship suffer? Or is it perhaps even more beneficial for the partnership not to know certain things about the other? What experts say about it:

Nothing has to
For all those for whom complete transparency in the partnership gives a bit of stomachache, the all-clear is sound: No, we don’t have to confide everything in our partner , says dating expert Jonathan Bennett in an interview with Bustle . “Relationships don’t necessarily have to be an open book. There are things that we might want to keep to ourselves because we find them embarrassing or regretful, or that are simply uninteresting to the other person. We don’t necessarily have to explain all of them.”

Hot topic: former sexual partners
According to a survey by sex toy brand Lelo and OnePoll , the most uncomfortable topic of conversation for couples is the number of their previous sex partners. Of the 2,000 survey participants who are currently in a relationship, 40% have not disclosed their “number”. Of the 58% who did disclose, nearly half disclosed the information within the first three months of the relationship beginning.

According to relationship coach Anna Gonowon , if you are unsure whether you would like to share information, it is best to weigh the pros and cons, so to speak: “What does it do to our relationship if I give you this information? Would I share it with you want to know? Does that bring us closer together? Or rather, on the contrary, more apart?”. This makes it a little easier to navigate communication in the partnership.

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What we should share with our partner
Relationship experts on agree that openly discussing certain issues with one another is conducive to a long-term relationship. For example, everything that concerns the (current) state of health – especially when it potentially affects the other person, such as STDs, reproductive difficulties, but also mental health problems.

What may be difficult, but according to relationship coach Gonowon would be advisable, is honesty about past breaches of trust in previous relationships. “When we learn it from someone other than our partner, it hurts us even more,” she explains. “Being open here and raising the issue yourself shows that you take responsibility for your actions and have learned from your mistakes.”

Be honest about finances and family
Even when it comes to the subject of money, dating experts advise you to speak plainly – especially if you want a long-term future with your partner. “Your partner has a right to know if old financial problems might be putting a strain on the relationship,” says psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina . And of course the other way around too.

Another topic we probably don’t like to talk about is traumatic experiences in the past. Especially when they still concern us today and influence our actions or our relationships, events that shape us in this way should be addressed openly. Being honest gives the partner the opportunity to support us and to help us to cope with difficult life situations. If a topic is particularly large or takes up a lot of space, it makes sense to get professional help from outside.

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It can also strengthen the relationship if partners are open about family relationships, fears & depression and grief and share thoughts and feelings with each other.

Which we might prefer to keep to ourselves
As already mentioned: No, our partner does not have to know everything about us. Life coach Kailen Rosenberg explains on that ex-sex partners don’t necessarily have to be shared with the current partner: “It’s 100 percent your business. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, In fact, it’s not really your current partner’s business either.”

According to the experts, too many details about ex-relationships do not have to be. As humans, we tend to constantly compare ourselves to others, which usually only creates frustration and disappointment. Sometimes less can be more here.

Ultimately, of course, every couple has to decide for themselves what is good for them and how much openness they want in their relationship – and that can vary greatly from partnership to partnership.

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