Why negative qualities are often attractive on a 1st date


Why negative qualities are often attractive on a 1st date

Have you ever had a date where your partner totally blew you away at first – and all the red flags were simply invisible to you? It is often precisely the characteristics of others that later turn out to be problematic (or simply incompatible with ours) that seem particularly impressive and positive at first. Why is it?

We mix up our emotions
According to psychologists, it is not uncommon for us to initially perceive certain character traits of people as particularly attractive – but after a while the opposite is more likely to be the case. Psychotherapist Kara Lissy told Bustle that the reason for this is that tension and excitement are quite similar. Key word: butterflies in the stomach. So it’s possible that we’re confusing our excitement with anxiety (i.e. fear and nervousness) during the date.

Often it just takes a little bit to recognize the true character of a person. We may initially perceive impulsiveness and risk-taking as adventurous and sexy, but after a while it becomes more threatening and unreliable. Sure, being impulsive and being spontaneous on a first date is a good thing – it’s a trait that often proves difficult in relationships (unsurprisingly, it’s also a trait that people who cheat on their partners often have in common) .

Communicative or narcissistic?
Oversharing is also one of the typical characteristics that are super popular at first glance – you obviously want to get to know each other on the first date and if someone reveals a lot about themselves right from the start, that’s great, of course .

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After a while, however, it often becomes apparent that the other person simply knows no boundaries, cannot assess when it is appropriate to pass something on and when one should keep information to oneself (e.g. intimate details about the ex-partner* in) or that the other person actually only prefers to talk about themselves and is not particularly interested in you.

repetition compulsion
Psychotherapist Arlene B. Englander tells Bustle that another reason why we keep feeling drawn to “red flags” is the “repetition syndrome”: We unconsciously look for partners who have certain negative characteristics that people close to us had in our past (such as our parents) also have.

How to recognize negative characteristics in time?
Social worker Judi Cinéas recommends paying close attention to how the date behaves towards other people, such as waiters, and talks about other people (parents, ex-girlfriends, etc.). “How people talk about others says a lot about themselves,” Judi Cinéas told Bustle .

Another tip is to be alert and pay particular attention to any behavior patterns that may be problematic. So if you have often encountered people in the past who at first seemed self-confident and decisive – but after a while turned out to be commanding and manipulative, keep that in mind in the future and try to recognize whether this might also be the case with your current date case could be.

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